Change Our Stories, Change Our Life
One of the most important part of our healing journeys is about shifting the stories we have been fed about ourselves whether it comes from other kids growing up, our parents, or our culture. We all have stories that we live by. Many of these stories are completely wrong and yet we base our adult lives on them until we are able to identify the story and begin to deconstruct that story.
For example, in my life growing up, my father believed wholeheartedly that a creative life would only lead one to become a drunk, a divorcee, crazy or gay. I have no idea how he arrived at these especially the notion that a creative life would make you a lesbian, this one is laughable to me but the others are not. That list has kept me for most of my life away from my creativity, and most importantly my joy. In the first year of writing my first book, I had to wrestle that fear down every single day. I acted my fear out constantly and especially with my writing coach who was trying desperately to help me free my voice onto the written page. On the one hand I wanted nothing more than to write a book and on the other hand, I wrestled with this inner story of fear and dread. What if writing ruined my loving relationship? What if writing lead me to drink? What if my lovely life was ruined by writing?
While I could constantly say that all of these were under my control, there were still monsters deep within me that twisted me up so it made writing very difficult, on most days. As I challenged those voices down by consistently writing, they got quieter and quieter until I didn’t have the need to wrestle them down in order to sit and write. And, as many of you know, I eventually completed and published Nothing Ever Goes On Here. I became a published author without getting a divorce, becoming a drunk, going crazy or becoming a lesbian.
Two years later, when I was working on my one-woman show, I would notice strange, odd feelings of dread that went come up into my heart and body. They were in complete conflict with my overwhelming feelings of delight and excitement to be creating a show. At first, it didn’t make sense. As I delved deeper, I could see my father’s voice and opinions lying just underneath the surface. I could also see a young girl still wanting to get her father’s approval who lived below the surface. It was yet another opportunity to go up against these old “truths” he held. In this second round, it was far easier to see and get past.
Now, as I’m writing my next book, I have begun to see ways in which his criticism is being played out as my own. And, in this round of healing, I can see how there’s still a young part of me that would have done anything to get his approval, even by criticizing herself in the same way he criticized me. And yet, I am aware that all of this is up for me to heal at a deeper level and deconstruct the story that creativity is dangerous. And to create a new story that creativity is the pathway to good health, joy and freedom.
What story or stories are still running your life? Are you willing to deconstruct that old story by challenging it by doing the very thing you were told not to do?
How can you recognize if you have a story that is not serving you?
*There’s something you desire to do or be and you keep telling yourself that there’s no way you could ever be that person or accomplish the thing you desire.
*You feel deep conflicting feelings about something you really want to create in your life.
*You are really hard on yourself and unnecessarily criticize yourself, especially in the arena in which you want to thrive in.
What can you do to begin to heal the underlying story in your way?
*Write down what the story is telling you ie: I could never be a writer because….. or I could never be a pilot because…… and just write as much comes to you so that you can see what is running the show underneath the surface.
*Decide to take some small action that begins to disrupt this story.
*Create a new story and continue to take actions based on your new belief in yourself.
With Joy,
Ellen