At the end of Nothing Ever Goes On Here, I was off to India to discover whether or not I would devote my life to God as an asharamite in my teacher’s ashram in the South of India in the state of Kerala.
While I am writing those stories for my next book, that I will begin sharing in this blog in more detail, I want to give you an overview of what has happened since then.
I was 34 years old then. I was suffering from a panic disorder. I was newly engaged right after my divorce to my ex-husband Jeffrey (you can just imagine how good that was going to go LOL!) . I was seriously confounded by the world. I didn’t want to be on Planet Earth. I felt existentially alone and singular. I begged God constantly to bring me back home. I didn’t like it here. I didn’t want to be here.
After six and a half weeks sitting at Amma’s feet, it became clear that I was to devote my life to God but in the world. It was both a huge relief and huge sadness. I wondered if Amma didn’t think I was good enough to become an ashramite.
Amma, the mother, had told me to go. I already suffered from abandonment issues with my own mother, so these feelings and fears only got multiplied until I was sobbing out loud in from of everyone and Amma.
Amma, in her loving kindness had set it all up so that I could heal. So that I could expose the hidden beliefs underneath my outward appearance of being confident with a huge smile. I have always smiled. And my smile opened many doors for me and tried to keep me sane in an insane family. Amma ripped my exterior right off! She exposed the girl who felt deep shame in her DNA. Whose smile belied the belief that she never felt good enough.
I sobbed for not one but three days in front of everyone as Amma always insisted that I sit at her feet. She worked me till I could then see myself more clearly. Amma was cutting the stone, grinding and polishing the diamond that she saw in me. And then only when my heart’s pain and shame had been exposed to me, she whispered in my ear one morning, “You are my daughter, I am always with you wherever you are. Daughter, daughter, daughter.” And then she laughed her otherworldly laughter into my heart as she hugged me. “I am always with you. Daughter, daughter, daughter.”
As I sobbed her love into my heart, I wondered now, what is next? I had closed my practice, packed my bags for months and now here I was ready for what? I was not yet ready to go home. I was not yet ready to tell my fiance that I was done even though I knew in my heart that I needed to break the new engagement off. The ring was still sitting in the jeweler’s shop.
“Ok, then what? What do I do now?” An answer came quickly, travel throughout India until you know what to do. Alone? “Yes, alone,” answered a calm and knowing voice within my head. “No planning, just go.” No planning! What?!
I have always planned everything. Well, at least that is what I used to tell myself. And mostly I did. I planned to stay safe. I even planned how many layers of clothes to wear to bed every night just in case someone would try and rape me while I was sleeping. I planned how to keep my mother from falling into the crevasse of her deep hell of depression from which I was certain I could not rescue her. I planned how to keep my father from exploding into his ice cold tirades. I planned how to stay safe in an insane war zone we called home.
It’s been 23 years since then. I have learned so much. I have healed deeper and deeper of layers of pain within my being since then. I Have now been a “healer” for the last 23 years since i returned from India to New York City. I have moved across country first to Boulder, Co and then to Seattle, WA where I now reside with my loving husband, comrade in all things life, Jim. I have been a stepmother, a wife, and a lover since then. And, I continue to work on myself daily as I will for the rest of my breathing days here on planet earth. Oh, and I have made peace with being here on the planet at this time! Thank God!
And now, now I am going to write about all my healing with my patients and the healing that happens for me and others we would normally think about as “strangers” on street corners, in supermarkets, in Starbucks (oh yes, Starbucks! LOL), in airports, on airplanes, in traffic jams, restaurants, hospitals, at the park and just about everywhere I go! You see I am a lover of people!
Yes, my official title, if you will, for the past 27 years has been “healer” but my unofficial title has always been straight from the start: lover of people! I was born LOUDLY! I once saw a card and it said: If you asked me why I came here? I will tell you, I CAME HERE TO LIVE OUT LOUD! And I think anyone who knows me personally will vouch for me that that is a pretty good description of me!
Yes, I came here to live out loud and on purpose! And I believe you did to! Maybe not as loud as me, that’s hard to beat, I promise you! LOL! But, I believe we are all here on purpose! Everyday, this knowing gets even louder within my DNA! We are all here on purpose! And there are “no strangers” just people we haven’t yet met!
I can’t wait to get to know each other! Welcome to my world! Come back as often as you can and check out my new writing and please, please….please….let’s make this a conversation!
I’d love to hear how these stories make you feel! Do they inspire you? Confuse you? Make you question? Touch your heart? Let me know. And don’t be afraid to question me, ask me questions! I want this to be a safe place for us all to learn and grow together!
So get ready! Set! Go! Read! Remark! Converse! Share!
I look forward to hearing you! <3